Is It December?

The first smack in the head was on October 31 - when most are dressing up in scary costumes and begging for candy - that the mall in Ridgedale, specifically Macy's, already had their Christmas tree and trimmings up - IN OCTOBER. Today, in several stores, they were playing Christmas carols - IN NOVEMBER. On top of that, in front of the grocery store this afternoon, there was the iconic Salvation Army bell ringer - THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING. I've also gotten e-mails that my local mall is opening at 1:00 AM on Friday. Retailers - desperate much?

Even around the neighborhood, lights are not only going up (typical in these cold climes - who wants to hang Christmas lights when it's icy out?) but coming on! Yes, I have my wreath out and my pumpkins are still on the front porch...

I remember when Christmas wasn't even visible until after Turkey Day. I don't even think we had a "Black Friday" when I was growing up. We usually put our Christmas decorations up 2 weeks before Christmas and took them down one week after New Year's. Now I'm hearing about families decorating their (fake) tree over Thanksgiving weekend.

So my new mantra is "Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." — Carl Bard. It's very fitting for me at this point, as I've come to realize that spending energy trying to change my past is doing nothing to progress my future. I'm getting so stuck in what I was I neglect what I'm becoming. To that end, I did my own Rune reading a few weeks ago. I've been reading Runes for a few years - mostly for my own entertainment. Runes are like a primitive Tarot that the Vikings used as an oracle. Each stone was marked with a symbol that could be used to write, read the past or predict the future. The nice thing about reading Runes is that there is really only two ways to see it - upright and reversed (upside down). With Tarot, there are symbols, colors, pictures to interpret. It's much more complex, although some might say more accurate.

Anyway, I drew a Runic Cross of 6 Runes plus one for Resolution. The six that make up the cross are:

1. Past - from where I am coming; what lies behind
2. Me Now
3. Future - what lies ahead; what's coming into my life
4. Foundation - unconscious elements
5. Challenge - obstacles in the way
6. New Situation - success in meeting the challenge
and then
7. Resolution - essence of the situation

1. Past - The Blank Rune
Rune of the unknowable, the Divine
This is my past
The end is just the beginning
Connection to my destiny; rises like a Phoenix; Fate
Death is symbolic
Relinquish control - I am a Spiritual Warrior
This is potential
Total being - what is to become
There are Deep Fears - failure, abandonment, taken away
There is willingness
Leaping into the void
The past tests the faith
This is the Rune of Karma
Lessons are learned for a life time
I must shift and evolve
There is progression

2. Me Now - Rune of Disruption and Power
There is change, freedom and liberation
I must break free of identification
It's beyond my control
There is a great awakening/coming to my senses
I need to rip away the fabric of my former reality - sacrifice security and beliefs
There is disruption
But there is growth

3. Future - Rune of New Beginnings and Fertility
Intuitive part of my nature
There is harmonizing and adjusting to personal relationships
There is a need to share and to be desired
There is new life and new paths
Strength to achieve completion
Resolution
Emergence from a closed state
Clear away the old
Release from tension
Free myself from a rut, habit, relationship, behavior pattern
Movement may involve danger (change) but also remove me from danger
Need to be centered and grounded
Open to the will of Heaven
Ultimate calm certainty

4. Foundation - Rune of Opening and Fire
Renewed clarity
Dispelling darkness that's been shrouding life
Clear intent
Concentration
More light = seeing in what needs to go
Operating in light

5. Challenge - Rune of Withdrawal and Ice (see the relation to #4)
Winter of spiritual life
Feelings of powerlessness, need to submit, surrender, sacrifice
Rebirth
Freeze on useful activity
Plans are on hold
Outmoded habits to cope
Feeling of being out of touch with life
What am I holding onto and what can I let go of?
Shed, release, cleanse
Sacrifice of the personal
Submit and be still
What was full now must become empty to move forward
To surrender is to display courage & strength
Time of restoration
Do not work my will
Watch for signs of Spring

6. New Situation - Rune of The Warrior
I am a spiritual warrior
The battle is within the Self
I need to stay out of my own way
Cut away the old, the dead, the extraneous
Patience
Look within; delve down to life itself
Find my deepest needs
Allow it a voice
Self-conquest is powerful - calls for awareness, compassion, total trust
Courage
Dedication

7. Resolution - Rune of Breakthrough and Transformation
Major shift
Breakthrough of self change
Complete transformation
Transform life forever
Radical trust
Leap into the void (see #1)
Warrior nature reveals itself
Period of achievement & prosperity
Darkness is behind; daylight has come
Hard work is ahead but undertake it with joy

I know this might not mean a lot to most, but it means a lot to me. This is so where I am right now - and so where I want to go - to the light and the understanding and the shedding of the old. This speaks to so many layers - the old body, the old mind-set, the old self hate. I really need to focus on who I am now, not what I was or who I thought I was. That really goes back to the new mantra of not trying to change my beginning but my end, which is what ultimately matters.

Two Year Surgiversary!

So, two years ago today, I was out of WLS and working on my second walk. I had started the day out as a 300+ person and now am a "normal" sized woman. In the two years since I started this journey, I am down (according to my scale) 174 pounds. By my clinic's measurements, I've lost 19 inches off my waist and 21.5 inches off my hips. I've gone from a tight size 26/28 to a size 8/10. My BMI is still not at goal - but now I'm at a 25.5 compared to a 52.8. A "normal" BMI is 25 or lower, but at this point I will take what I have. Granted, my labs didn't come back perfect - my iron is low (single digits) and my thyroid is elevated - guess that's the explanation for my low energy. That can be dealt with via meds, so I'm not that worried.

Bottom line - I weigh less than what I've lost; my blood pressure is normal; I'm eating normal as far as what I can eat. Granted, the portions are much smaller, but not in a bad way. I get to taste anything I want, including sweets.

I am still petrified about keeping my weight in a certain range. I weigh myself more than I should. I am so scared about re-gaining the weight I have lost. I need to get right with my weight range I've set for myself, but I still beat myself up when I vary from my self-imposed range.

I am still lucky that I've had this surgery. I am healthier than I've ever been before. I may gripe about my "excess skin" but I have nothing to complain about. I am not ready to have another body transformation a la plastic surgery. I am still getting used to the body I'm in!

There is a lot to work on, but this surgery has been a success for me. I can't ask for much more. I have some things to work on, but that is just part of the journey.

Weekend Warrior

Work has pretty much kicked my butt all week. We have had to deal with one person out sick and people out on vacation, crazy phone volumes, trying to manage capacity, technology issues... All fun stuff. It's at least made the week go by fast!

I finally went and had my work badge re-done. I was getting embarrassed by my old photo, and wouldn't wear my badge since people would do a double-take. I can totally see the difference, just like when I got my new drivers license. At least now I look like my photo, which is a good thing!

We're supposed to get scattered thunderstorms over the weekend, but I'm hoping they're early or at night so we get some decent time outside. There is a ton of yard work that should get done, plus I could use some serious deck time. We, of course, will take the dogs for at least one hike, maybe 2 if they're up for it. They have such a good time on our hikes, especially splashing in the lake. I would also like to get into the gym. It's been awhile and I could use a good sweat. I've put on a few pounds this week, and although I'm not in a panic state, I'd rather up the exercise rather than skipping meals to get back in the middle of my comfort zone.

My typical day is now:

Breakfast - 1 to 1 1/2 eggs, 3 flatbread crackers, fruit (I've been on a cantaloupe kick lately)
Snack - AchievOne protein shake
Lunch - 3-4 ounces of protein, veggies/salad, V-8 juice
Snack - Cheese stick, fruit (usually an apple)
Dinner - 3-4 ounces of protein, veggies/salad

I start my day off with about 16 ounces of black coffee, and on certain days I have a large skim latte. I get in plain water plus a 20-ounce VitaminWater. Where I'm getting off track is snacking on sweets and doing stupid things like eating 2 slices of pizza yesterday! Ugh. No wonder I'm up a few!

Life is pretty status quo right now. I'll have a new member on my team shortly, so that's great. Our department is going through so many good changes right now, it's really exciting. It keeps me on my toes, but I've gotten some really great recognition over the past few days that it really makes me feel appreciated.

Of course, what I'm really looking forward to is my three days off next week with Don. I know for sure we'll see "Shrek 3" but that's the only thing we have planned. It's mostly going to be about sleeping in, playing with the dogs and hanging out on the deck. Gotta work on my tan!!

Walk of Shame

shame noun, verb, shamed, sham·ing.
–noun 1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

Shame was the topic of last night's discussion with Laurie, my therapist. My feeling of general shame for who I am and what I'm doing. We're not sure where this is coming from, or at least I don't yet. I have been feeling shame about needing to have the surgery, being successful with the surgery, feeling shame when I'm hungry, feeling shame when I don't eat. I feel shame for needed professional help about feeling all this shame. I get embarrassed when people congratulate me on my success - and not just the losing weight. Any success I have - personal or professional - seems to cause me great discomfort. I don't know where I get this feeling like I don't deserve any of what I have, but I'm sure that will be part of my long-term goals in therapy.

Having said all of that, it's with mixed emotions that I saw I'm down to my new lowest weight - 166.0. I almost wrote, "I've really been trying to stay between 167 - 170," but that is totally not true. I have skipped dinner the last 3 nights and really started to watch my carbs to make sure I don't go over 60 grams per day, despite not needing to. I also slipped back into recording calories and doing my damnedest to keep them under 1000 per day even though I am not supposed to. Where the hell is this all coming from?

So here was my internal conversation this morning when I saw 166 on the scale - "Woo-hoo! Down to a new low. Maybe I can get down to 159. No, wait, 159 is not my goal - 167 is. I need to eat more to get back up to 167. But I don't want to eat more, I want to weigh less. I know that for formerly morbidly obese people, their BMI just needs to be below 29 and this makes my BMI 25.9 - that's low enough. No one wants you to lose any more weight. But I do want to lose more weight. I want to be skinny."

And so it goes...

I have eaten a Special K bar this morning and am thinking about getting some eggs, but the last two times I've eaten eggs they've made me want to throw up, so I'm not real excited about repeating that experience. I forgot to bring my normal snacks - protein shake, fruit, cheese - although I have applesauce, crackers and nuts in my desk drawer (OK, I feel shamed into eating an applesauce...).

I know I should be happy and proud and excited about my success. I want to feel these things that all of my family and friends feel for me. I really do. I just don't. Yet.

First Baby Step Taken

I had my first appointment with a psychologist from The Emily Program, a center that specializes in eating disorders. Although they typically deal with anorexics and bulimics, because my behavior surrounding food has a little bit of everything compounded by surgery, they feel that I am a good candidate to qualify for their assistance. The first few appointments are all about getting history and determining the levels of disorder, depression, anxiety, etc. My next appointment is next Friday.

I did have a bit of an episode on Sunday night at dinner. I had spent two days preparing for a wonderful meal. I got out the good china, had a great table setting, uncorked a really good wine (Stag's Leap cab) and cooked an amazing meal. I got through the salad course fine, but as soon as I sat down when all the courses were out and I put food on my plate, I had a sudden panic attack. There was too much food; I had eaten too much because I was tasting throughout the day; I couldn't eat; I shouldn't eat. I mean, I panicked, had to leave the table and even had to partially undress because I was breaking out in a cold sweat. After I calmed down, I tried to go back to the table, but it was a no-go. The funny thing is that I had pretty much the same stuff last night and got through it fine.

I realize this seems crazy to most. Hell, it sounds crazy to me, and I'm living it. Right now, I'm trying not to judge myself and just work through the issues. I hate how I know what I'm supposed to do and pissed at myself that I can't do it.

In the meantime, I have started my vacation week. So much of the weekend was spent around getting to Christmas and then celebrating it that I didn't do anything around the house. I've started that today, beginning by finally filing some new CDs, some of which have been piled up for a year. I've laundered all my table linens, ironed the cloth napkins, organized most of the china hutch, culled some ceramic/glass bakeware and have begun the daunting task of going through my stemware. Holy crap - how many wine/martini/beer/margarita/champagne glasses do two people need? I mean, even if I hosted glamorous dinner parties (which I don't), I wouldn't need half that stemware I own. Part of the problem is the number of commemorative glasses we have. There are four Super Bowl champagne flutes, 4 Dick's Last Resort beer steins, beer glasses from the Baja Cantina/El Cholo/Firestone Brewery, a hurricane glass from Pat O'Brien's. Not only that, I have an additional 14 champagne flutes (3 different kinds), 8 martini glasses (3 different kinds), 8 beer steins (not including the commemorative ones), 4 brandy snifters in 2 sizes and 22 wine glasses in 5 different styles. What am I doing, running a bar?

Needless to say, I am busy trying to figure out what ones to donate, what ones to store in the basement and what ones to keep within reach. I was also going through vases, decanters and crystal bowls that I stored in the china hutch in hopes of getting rid of a few more items. I have a beautiful Tiffany decanter that has never been used in 7+ years, but I just can't part with it. The vases are from Waterford and Nambe and have also never been used. I hope the rest of the planned de-cluttering goes a little smoother.

There is already a fairly good-sized pile of things I know I am donating - table linens, glass bakeware, coffee mugs, picnic plates, etc. In other words, things I haven't used, in some cases, since I lived in New York (circa 1995). These items have moved from Los Angeles to New York (2 apartments) back to Los Angeles (3 apartments, 1 house), to Minnesota (1 house). The eye-opening moment for me on de-cluttering was when I came across a hard brick of dark brown sugar in my pantry in a plain wrap Ralph's label. I could date this back to at least 2003 since the last baking jag I went on in Los Angeles would have been Christmas, 2003 and we moved in October, 2004. So, yes, a package of brown sugar moved from Los Angeles to Minnesota and I still had it, 3 years later.

Besides doing some de-cluttering and organizing, my main project is getting some framed photos hung and order some photos so I can finish some photo collages. I also need to take my car in for servicing, which is massively overdue for a check-in. This is in addition to mounds of laundry, winter cleaning (delayed from the traditional spring cleaning), vet visits (Jager has a partially torn ACL which we are treating with experimental, 2x week shots for 4 weeks to, hopefully, avoid surgery), finishing 3 in-progress books. Oh, and, yeah, spending of some of the many gift cards we received for Christmas!!

It looks like a busy week, but I know I need to check in here often for my own benefit, so look for some more frequent postings.

The Daily Struggle

I have been spending a lot of time talking about my issues around food, dieting, weight loss, etc. I've had long conversations with my dad, Don and Phil (the nutritionist). It's interesting finally being able to put into words some of my feelings and the more I'm able to verbalize it, the more I think I can get it together.

I am working on making sure I am accountable for eating my food and following the plan given to me by Phil. This week, we're keeping it kind of loose in order to calm my anxiety around eating. I'm also not allowed to do any weight lifting since I'm not getting the number of calories in to support that kind of activity. I am, however, still allowed 5 days of cardio. I have eaten "on plan" the last two days and not freaking out about eating, so I'm taking that as a good sign.

Some have wondered how did I get to this place. It's hard to explain, but here's my thinking. I've been on some diet or another since I was probably 13. Granted, there were stages in my life where I didn't watch what I ate, hence weighing 300+ pounds. But I have been aware of food, the scale, my weight for damn near 25 years. Over these 25 years, I have been trying to control my food, whether by restricting the amount I ate, or conversely, overeating in mass quantities.

The overeating usually followed a time of dieting/calorie restricting. I would trip up or not see any result on the scale so I would binge to show I didn't care what other people thought, I would control what and how much I ate. One of the things that would trip me up was feeling hungry. Anyone who has ever dieted knows what I mean - that deep-seeded pang of I need food now. Granted, it was partly physical - the body does need food - but often it was emotional hunger as well.

After surgery, it seems that I am one of the "lucky" ones who do not feel hunger, at least not in the sense that most people do. At first, I thought it was great and not having hunger did play a big role in my early success. As time went on, I really believed the hunger would return and I would have to use the size of my new pouch as the main way to limit my food intake. Most people I know who have had the surgery talked about how their hunger did return and they had to battle that demon every day and I figured I'd be the same. My problem seems to be my hunger has not returned. I cannot tell you how different life is when there is no physical driving force making you want to eat. About the only time I feel compelled to eat is in group/public settings and when I can smell good food.

Of course, this means I have to rely on my brain to remind myself to eat. The issue there is, my brain is so conditioned to NOT to want to eat, it's having a hard time coming to grips with encouraging me to eat. I still have the mindset I shouldn't finish what's on my plate, I should feel guilty if I have a handful of popcorn or a Christmas cookie, I need to restrict how many calories I put in my mouth. I am trying to un-do 25 years of diet thinking.

I am still a food addict. I do love the taste of good food. I still love to cook. I watch cooking shows and read cookbooks and menus. I plan elaborate feasts (Beef Wellington for Christmas dinner). But, it's like being an alcoholic who's a bartender but who doesn't drink - I consider it (in a sick way) a badge of strength/accomplishment/success to be able to surround myself with temptation but able to resist it. I could never do this prior to surgery, and now I feel that my "willpower" is working.

Yeah, I can't say it makes much sense to me, either, but at least I think I've been able to express exactly how I'm feeling. And, yes, you can now bring in the straight jacket...

First Steps

Thank you for all the great responses. They have really helped me get out of my head and focus on what's really important - my health.

I've made the first few steps in getting healthy physically and emotionally. I spoke to my nutritionist, Phil, and he came up with a food plan that won't freak me out too much - meaning he isn't forcing me to eat to my limits. I'll be eating 6 small meals (contrary to my surgeon's preferred 3 medium meals) with a focus on protein. Meal 1 will be 1 1/2 eggs and 3 flatbread crackers. Meal 2 will be a protein shake and 1/2 oz. almonds. Meal 3 is 2-4 oz. of chicken/steak/fish, veggies and a 1/2 serving of carbs. Meal 4 is fruit and nuts. Meal 5 is some cheese. Meal 6 is 2-4 oz. of fish/chicken and veggies. Granted I should be eating more but this is just a first step in getting my metabolism back in gear.

In addition, I will be weight lifting 3 times a week, yoga once a week and cardio 5 times a week for 1 hour. Again, the increase in exercise is to stimulate my metabolism in the hopes of creating hunger which will make me want to fuel my body. All I can say is that it worked last night - after getting home from the gym I downed 4 oz. of protein and 1/2 c. of coleslaw without a blink. The net result of actually eating over the last two days is a gain of 4 pounds but I also have to keep in mind that I get some wiggle room in that number. I just need to keep my weight between 167.5 and 172.5. I think by getting "permission" to stay within a weight range has helped me get a single number out of my head.

Finally, I placed a call to a group that has psychologists who specialize in eating disorders and body image issues. There is a 3-week waiting list, but I think that just by coming to terms with a few things, I can wait to see them until January.

I will be getting on the treadmill at home tonight since Thursdays are a late day for me at work and the gym can be such a madhouse after 5:00 - 5:30. Yesterday, when I was on the treadmill at about 5:30, some trainer came up with a child care group of about 7 kids and put them on treadmills running. The kid in front of me could barely keep up at 6.2 MPH and kept jumping off or grabbing on to the rails. I thought for sure he was going to lose his footing and fly right back into my machine. Of course, what really bugged me was that the staff thought using these resources for kids during the post-work rush was a good idea. I'm not paying $50 a month to have to share exercise equipment with a bunch of 12 year old kids.

I am off tomorrow with a ton of stuff to do. We're taking the dogs to try out a new kennel. They'll just be there for the day, but I want to be able to test it out and see how the staff interacts with them and how they play with the other dogs. The kennel we had been using just seems overwhelmed and understaffed. Plus, I really didn't like the owner's attitude. She seemed so put upon whenever anyone brought their dogs in. When I spoke to the owner of this new kennel, she seemed genuinely interested in Baja and Jager, their background, their personality, etc. While the dogs are enjoying "4-6 hours of play time," we will be getting our carpets cleaned. They are in sore need of it. The cream color is hidden by a fine layer of muddy paw prints that no amount of vacuuming is going to clean. Plus we had a little run in between Baja's furious head wag with a newspaper and a glass of red wine. Also, while I have some time, I need to break out the exterior Christmas lights and get those sorted out so we can hang them on Saturday before Don heads to Detroit. We only do the deck railing and the front porch railing, although I am hoping I can find a way to do 3 pine trees as well. I also need to hang the front door wreath and the 3 wreaths on our garage lights and do the evergreen garlands on the front porch. We will do the Christmas tree next weekend when Don has a home game. We went fake two years ago, and as much as I miss the Christmas tree scent, I don't miss the watering, falling needles and disposal of a real tree.

While Don is gone this weekend, I am trying to keep myself busy outside the house so I don't recluse too much. I have made a pedicure appointment for Saturday and have tentative plans to hook up with a friend on Sunday at the mall. Even if I don't need to buy anything, I can get some exercise in as well as getting into the spirit of the holidays.

I can't believe I only have 2 more weeks of work this year. I have the week between Christmas and New Year off, and I am really looking forward to having that time off, even though I don't have anything planned. It's just a good time to make sure the slate is clean for the start of 2007.

Welcome to the Grand Illusion

I actually do have a lot to post about, I just needed to get my head on straight before putting pen to paper.

First, I am officially below my target goal of 170 - I weighed in this morning at 167. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I am not doing it in a healthy manner. Over the weekend I had about 800 calories total (1 biscotti, 1 skim latte, 1/4 of a burrito, 1/2 c. soup, popcorn, 4 crackers and 1 oz. almonds). I am so terrified of gaining the weight back I have become afraid to eat.

I still watch the Food Network, read cookbooks and menus, cook for an army, plan meals, etc. Yeah, maybe not the healthiest relationship with food right now.

I finally told Don what is going on. I have an appointment tomorrow with my nutritionist in Los Angeles. I also have a call in to The Emily Program, which is a local eating disorder clinic. My hope is that, although not a true anorexic, I can get in to see one of their psychologists who has experience in dealing with food and body image issues.

I know I should be able to eat normally and not gain weight on 1200 a day, but I just can't wrap my mind around how much to eat. I might have to have Don hide the scale again.

There were some good moments this weekend. I am officially finished Christmas shopping, save what I need to get my staff. We are given a small amount to spend per person which is usually used to purchase gift cards. I'm not sure if I should get some from different stores and let them pick, ask what they want or just go with Barnes & Noble. In addition, I usually get them something paid for out of my own pocket. I went for the tried and true Godiva chocolates which was always a big hit with my staff in L.A. Actually I do need to get some goodies for the dogs, but they're easy - a big bone and some festive treats.

While out and about at the mall, I screwed up the courage to go into Victoria's Secret and buy new underwear. Now, I know this probably isn't a big deal for most of you, but I have been buying my panties at Lane Bryant and knew what size I was since they size the same as their pants. I purchased some new ones about 6 months ago, but that was when I was in a size 18/20 and I am currently wearing a 8/10 skirt and a 10/12 pant. I ended up getting large, although I might be able to get away with a medium at some point. Man, are underwear expensive! I purchased 5 cotton and 3 lace and that was about $50!! I couldn't continue walking around with baggy drawers though. Maybe Santa will be nice and include a VS gift card in my stocking.

I also went out on a limb and purchased a black leather skirt. It was on sale and under $60 so I figure that's my reward for reaching goal. I'll have to make sure Don takes me out so I can wear it since it's not really work appropriate.

So my commitment is I am going to be better about journaling, especially regarding my food and body image issues. I am going to make sure I follow my nutritionist's food plan, no matter how much I don't want to. And I will work at not obsessing about my weight, my weight loss and my size. Easier said than done, but it's all about progress, not perfection.

Just Not A Lot To Say

I do feel bad about not posting more, but there isn't a whole lot going on in my life worth blogging about. I am still a pound from goal, although I did check in under 170 for about 5 minutes last week. I took down the ticker tracker since I am trying to be better about not only focusing on weight and trying (very hard) not to obsess about 1 freakin' pound.

I guess what I'm going through right now is more about body image issues and food issues, both things I do plan on getting professional help with soon. I find myself having panic attacks when I see my reflection, not knowing who I am looking at. I'm playing games with food - not eating what and when I should; seeing how long I can go without eating. I'm trying to get back on track by bringing breakfast and lunch to work and getting my water in early. I'm setting up reminders to take my pills. I am going to start recording my food intake, tracking my calories and protein.

Anyway, I am still planning on blogging, and my commitment is to do so more often. I just was afraid of admitting what I felt was failure when in reality, it's just one more path of this journey.