The Ongoing Adventures of Naked Girl

The story of my quest to look good naked -- really good.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Walk of Shame

shame noun, verb, shamed, sham·ing.
–noun 1. the painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, ridiculous, etc., done by oneself or another: She was overcome with shame.

Shame was the topic of last night's discussion with Laurie, my therapist. My feeling of general shame for who I am and what I'm doing. We're not sure where this is coming from, or at least I don't yet. I have been feeling shame about needing to have the surgery, being successful with the surgery, feeling shame when I'm hungry, feeling shame when I don't eat. I feel shame for needed professional help about feeling all this shame. I get embarrassed when people congratulate me on my success - and not just the losing weight. Any success I have - personal or professional - seems to cause me great discomfort. I don't know where I get this feeling like I don't deserve any of what I have, but I'm sure that will be part of my long-term goals in therapy.

Having said all of that, it's with mixed emotions that I saw I'm down to my new lowest weight - 166.0. I almost wrote, "I've really been trying to stay between 167 - 170," but that is totally not true. I have skipped dinner the last 3 nights and really started to watch my carbs to make sure I don't go over 60 grams per day, despite not needing to. I also slipped back into recording calories and doing my damnedest to keep them under 1000 per day even though I am not supposed to. Where the hell is this all coming from?

So here was my internal conversation this morning when I saw 166 on the scale - "Woo-hoo! Down to a new low. Maybe I can get down to 159. No, wait, 159 is not my goal - 167 is. I need to eat more to get back up to 167. But I don't want to eat more, I want to weigh less. I know that for formerly morbidly obese people, their BMI just needs to be below 29 and this makes my BMI 25.9 - that's low enough. No one wants you to lose any more weight. But I do want to lose more weight. I want to be skinny."

And so it goes...

I have eaten a Special K bar this morning and am thinking about getting some eggs, but the last two times I've eaten eggs they've made me want to throw up, so I'm not real excited about repeating that experience. I forgot to bring my normal snacks - protein shake, fruit, cheese - although I have applesauce, crackers and nuts in my desk drawer (OK, I feel shamed into eating an applesauce...).

I know I should be happy and proud and excited about my success. I want to feel these things that all of my family and friends feel for me. I really do. I just don't. Yet.



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