Welcome to the Grand Illusion

I actually do have a lot to post about, I just needed to get my head on straight before putting pen to paper.

First, I am officially below my target goal of 170 - I weighed in this morning at 167. That's the good news.

The bad news is that I am not doing it in a healthy manner. Over the weekend I had about 800 calories total (1 biscotti, 1 skim latte, 1/4 of a burrito, 1/2 c. soup, popcorn, 4 crackers and 1 oz. almonds). I am so terrified of gaining the weight back I have become afraid to eat.

I still watch the Food Network, read cookbooks and menus, cook for an army, plan meals, etc. Yeah, maybe not the healthiest relationship with food right now.

I finally told Don what is going on. I have an appointment tomorrow with my nutritionist in Los Angeles. I also have a call in to The Emily Program, which is a local eating disorder clinic. My hope is that, although not a true anorexic, I can get in to see one of their psychologists who has experience in dealing with food and body image issues.

I know I should be able to eat normally and not gain weight on 1200 a day, but I just can't wrap my mind around how much to eat. I might have to have Don hide the scale again.

There were some good moments this weekend. I am officially finished Christmas shopping, save what I need to get my staff. We are given a small amount to spend per person which is usually used to purchase gift cards. I'm not sure if I should get some from different stores and let them pick, ask what they want or just go with Barnes & Noble. In addition, I usually get them something paid for out of my own pocket. I went for the tried and true Godiva chocolates which was always a big hit with my staff in L.A. Actually I do need to get some goodies for the dogs, but they're easy - a big bone and some festive treats.

While out and about at the mall, I screwed up the courage to go into Victoria's Secret and buy new underwear. Now, I know this probably isn't a big deal for most of you, but I have been buying my panties at Lane Bryant and knew what size I was since they size the same as their pants. I purchased some new ones about 6 months ago, but that was when I was in a size 18/20 and I am currently wearing a 8/10 skirt and a 10/12 pant. I ended up getting large, although I might be able to get away with a medium at some point. Man, are underwear expensive! I purchased 5 cotton and 3 lace and that was about $50!! I couldn't continue walking around with baggy drawers though. Maybe Santa will be nice and include a VS gift card in my stocking.

I also went out on a limb and purchased a black leather skirt. It was on sale and under $60 so I figure that's my reward for reaching goal. I'll have to make sure Don takes me out so I can wear it since it's not really work appropriate.

So my commitment is I am going to be better about journaling, especially regarding my food and body image issues. I am going to make sure I follow my nutritionist's food plan, no matter how much I don't want to. And I will work at not obsessing about my weight, my weight loss and my size. Easier said than done, but it's all about progress, not perfection.