Tattoo You

I had to wait until it was healed and not peeling before I posted. I think it looks pretty good, and pretty ambitious for a first tattoo. I just now have to find some cute shirts to show it off in appropriate situations...

We had back-to-back 3-day weekends. The first one was marred by crappy weather - rainy & cold. The second one was much nicer, even though it rained on Friday. I volunteered at the St. Paul Cinco de Mayo festival on Saturday. It was windy and cool, but in the sun it was pretty nice. On Sunday, it was in the mid-60s and I spent a good portion of the day out on the deck reading and absorbing some vitamin D. We did go see Harold & Kumar which was funny in a very low-brow way.

I'm actually going to try and get back into a gym routine beginning tomorrow. I haven't been able to go on a regular basis because of work, but I have to stop using that as an excuse. My weight has remained stable despite stress and long hours (in fact, maybe because of those factors).

The other good news is that I'm on my second week of being able to sleep through the night. It's making such a huge difference in how I'm feeling. I have a lot more energy and I'm not nearly as crabby. Plus, I'm not anxious about not sleeping through the night. The best part - I didn't do it with drugs. I think it's just less work-related stress and more regular hours.

I think one of the other reasons I'm feeling better is that the weather has finally turned the corner. I can even put up with some rainy days as long as it's warm and things are beginning to turn green. I'm getting outdoors more, breathing some fresh air and getting some rays.

Who needs Prozac with a few sunny days?

Under Construction

I have a fix for my blog, but it won't be in place until 3/10, so bear with me....

As an update, life is throwing me under the bus - broken ribs (long story) and work. My boss left for his new job outside the company 2 weeks ago and a lot of his responsibility fell to me. I am working longer hours - up to 12 hours a day plus weekends. I am up every morning around 3 AM with my mind on hyper-speed. What did I miss? How can I solve for this? What amazing solutions do I have? How am I going to lead my team through this change?

I need a day off - and not just a weekend where I am running around doing house upkeep to basic clean-up and errands. My mind is a whirlwind and I pulling my hair out! If it wasn't for my brother, I would have missed my dad's 17th anniversary with Dean. I am so self-absorbed with just getting through my own day, I forget everything else.

Granted, once they hire a new Director to insulate me, it will be better, but there is the option of me moving into that role, which only muddles the picture. Part of me wants the challenge of being the Director, Workforce Planning & Analytics - fewer direct reports; I can delegate a lot of what I am doing to the new me. But, I would be in a more vital role and have a lot more to answer for.

I am at a crossroads in my life. There will be trade-offs, and I don't know if I'm willing to make those right now. Part of me just wants to be the player behind the scene, but a bigger part of me wants to be a player - despite what that would mean to me work-life balance. Do I want a higher stressed job that may take me away from my family? Do I want to "train" a new director when I know I could do his/her job better - even at the cost of my own happiness?

I don't like feeling like I need to work 10+ hours per day and then going home to drink myself silly to cope. I can't eat - with the surgery - so my stress ends up being a reason to drink. I just want to be normal.
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Not Ready To Go Back

I don't know what it is about a 4-day weekend that just kills my motivation for going back to work. I didn't even do anything fun - just kind of putted around the house, did some cleaning, some laundry, a few errands (car wash, Target run). Heck, I didn't even go to the grocery store or Trader Joe's. I figured we had enough food in the house to last us for a few more meals.

I'm late night leader today so at least I don't have to go in until 10:00, but it does mean I have to stay until 7:00 PM. I actually get a lot done between 5 and 7 when everyone is pretty much gone. I have filing to do, a few meetings to prepare for and reviews to read. I don't have a lot going after work this week - just one appointment on Wednesday. I might actually get into the gym on Tuesday and Thursday.

The best part is that I have another 4-day weekend next week when my Dad comes to town. Then it's just a few short weeks until I have the week between Christmas and New Year's off. I don't have any plans for that week - probably just recouping from the holidays. I haven't even decided if I am going to decorate this year. It just seems so pointless. We put up lights, the tree, other assorted decorations for no real reason other than it's habit.

I guess I'm in a bit of a holiday funk. I miss having family around this time of year. With Don's travel schedule, we can't really go any where together and I really don't want to spend the holidays apart from him. I am just not in the holiday spirit this year. Maybe it's because I realized that we have now spent as many years in this house as we did the one in Los Angeles, and it still doesn't feel like home.

Anyway, enough wallowing. I need to finish getting ready for work and head in a little early. I'm not accomplishing anything sitting here waiting for the clock to strike 10...

I'm Still Here

I just needed to take a short hiatus and rest my brain for a few weeks. Work is taking a lot of energy right now, and I was getting through some family/emotional stuff. Things are better now, and I'm feeling a bit more like myself.

We have a busy social agenda - I went to a Lynx game (WBNA) last night; we are going to a Twins game tonight; I'm going to the Albertville Outlet Mall tomorrow and then hanging with my friend Jen on Sunday. I do need a manicure in a bad way. Don and I just cleaned out the garage - ugh, what a dirty job. It did go a lot faster with the two of us moving and sweeping.

I am going through a bit of a general feeling of detox/cleansing - physically, emotionally, etc. I've been in a cleaning frenzy both at home and at work. I've been researching doing a detox/cleanse diet for a few days. I think part of the general feeling of malaise is the time of year - the end of summer, knowing winter is around the corner, the shortened days, the fact Don is back covering the Vikings. The good news is that he's done covering camp, so no more daily commutes to Mankato (about 90 minutes from us). The weather is better, too - it's cooler and not nearly as humid. WE finally got some rain, so things are looking more lush and less shriveled up and dried out.

In fact, we had two big storms - the first and worst hit around 3:00 AM Saturday (after Don had gotten home after midnight from covering the Vike's preseason game). We got 2 inches of rain in an hour, 70 MPH straight line winds, hail, constant thunder and lightening. We were pretty lucky - only one chair blew off our deck onto our lawn, our BBQ blew over and our large table flipped (but the glass top didn't break). Our one "loss" was our purple kiddie pool that was under the deck. We never found it - and we have a fenced yard! A few neighbors got hit worse - siding blown off, trees blown down, roof damage. The second storm wasn't as bad but we still got hit with rain and wind.

Anyway, that's the less-than-exciting update. I'm off to check in with everyone...

Winter, Part II

I am not dealing with this drastic change in weather very well. My mind and body are ready and expecting spring-like temps, but we're getting mid-30s with wind chills in the single digits. I mean, 3 degrees at 6:30 AM in April? What kind of hell am I living in? At least we're not getting snow. Some northern MN cities got 8 - 12 inches while we just got a dusting that didn't stick around past sunrise. Mentally I have already put my winter gear away, and I have a hard time remembering how to dress for these kinds of temps. I guess the good news is that I still have more winter clothes than spring/summer wear, so I have more couture options.

It's supposed to be a quiet day at work with the financial markets closed. I have a few things to finish, but no meetings and not too much to do other than manage the real time capacity. It will be a nice day to get some things cleaned up and filed - a little spring cleaning around the desk. It's amazing how dusty an enclosed office can get. It seems like I just wiped down all of my desk surfaces a few weeks ago, and now they are all covered in a fine dust.

No big plans for the weekend - a possible appearance at coffee tomorrow after a much-needed visit to the gym. Not sure what we may do with the dogs. If it's warm enough, I'd love to do a hike around the lake at least one day. The funny thing is that a hike used to sap all their energy for at least the rest of the day, if not into the next day. Now, it just seems to get them more revved up! I keep telling Don we need to try for two laps (5.5 - 6 miles) but I worry that half way through the second lap, Jager's leg would start giving her trouble and we'd end up carrying her the rest of the way. Trust me, the last thing either of us needs is to carry a 50-pound dog half way around a lake.

I seem to be feeling a difference after a week on the anti-depressants. It doesn't seem like the world is shrinking around me and I don't feel like there is a black cloud over my head 24/7. I think I'm finally getting some good sleep, which also helps my overall mood. I wish I didn't need drugs to help me feel normal, but it's nice to not to have the overall anxious/panicky feeling all the time. Tasks don't seem so overwhelming and I actually feel like I can get things accomplished without worrying about what isn't done yet.

That's about all from here. Just trying to stay warm and stop thinking about spring!!

3:30 AM Ramblings and Such

So, I can't sleep. I have been up since at least 1:00 AM, and downstairs since 2:30, doing dishes, making lunch for tomorrow today, catching up on blogs.

Depression is a funny (no pun intended) thing. It can manifest itself in many ways. For me, it can mean uncontrollable sobbing (very unlike me), lashing out in anger, withdrawing, insomnia. I like to be in control, so to "lose it" is very telling. The more I try to keep things in, the more likely they are to slip out in bad ways. Part of me feels the safest place for me is in the back corner of a dark closet where no one can find me. And maybe, if I stay there long enough, the bad will have passed me by. I have way too many responsibilities to hide, although the thought is mighty tempting.

My mind is spinning over possible solutions to our immediate debt problem. Of course, that only means consolidating the debt and not really getting rid of it (yeah, we didn't win the lotto this weekend). Of course, managing one or two large payments seems easier than managing several smaller payments, but I don't know if that ultimately solves our (my) problems.

Yes, I say my problems, since I am the one with not a budgeting bone in her body. I am the one who "needs" the monthly mani/pedis, hair coloring, latest books (even though I have about 50 unread books in my guest room), cute clothes (hey, do you know I'm in a size 8-10 now??), yoga classes, wine clubs, etc., etc., etc. Don's only vice is taking me out, where I end up giving the dogs 2/3 of my meal because "I don't do leftovers." So we can spend $100 for a meal out, and it really should only cost half that if I stuck with splitting his meal or ordering an appetizer portion. So, yeah, this hole we've dug - mostly my fault.

And that's hard to write. I mean, Don will come back with, "We're a couple, this is our problem," but I have this fear that he does, deep inside blame me. I mean, I do most of the spending - whether on groceries or crap. I don't take him to Target (aka the $100 store) so he can rein me in, as in, "Why do you need to supply $30 worth of candy to your office? (unsaid implications - "When you don't need/can't have the candy anyway?")."

Yes, I should have been more open and honest about our financial situation, but when I really started down the whole dark path to depression last fall, I wasn't thinking about the money. I just wanted to get the bills paid (somewhat) on time, even if that did mean robbing Peter to pay Paul down the road. I don't think I even knew how serious it was (reason number one not to let a depressed person manage most of the finances) until this month. I am kicking myself knowing if I had been even a smidgen aware of what was going on back then, it could have saved us 5 months of this crap.

There are options. It's amazing how many financial institutions want to extend us credit of some sort. It will still mean making some hard decisions, and giving up things that I kind of took as "rights" - 3x a week latte, eating out 2x a week, buying lunch instead of packing it because I was rushed in the morning, pre-made protein shakes, new clothes instead of considering Goodwill or consignment stores, gym membership (especially if I opt to find a second job), etc.

I'd love to keep things mostly status quo, but that isn't going to solve the problem. The good news is I have next week off, and I can focus on a lot of the details of getting something in place ASAP. I am also meeting with my PCP and can discuss a better solution to the depression/anxiety issue than wine and Tylenol PM.