The Ongoing Adventures of Naked Girl

The story of my quest to look good naked -- really good.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

3:30 AM Ramblings and Such

So, I can't sleep. I have been up since at least 1:00 AM, and downstairs since 2:30, doing dishes, making lunch for tomorrow today, catching up on blogs.

Depression is a funny (no pun intended) thing. It can manifest itself in many ways. For me, it can mean uncontrollable sobbing (very unlike me), lashing out in anger, withdrawing, insomnia. I like to be in control, so to "lose it" is very telling. The more I try to keep things in, the more likely they are to slip out in bad ways. Part of me feels the safest place for me is in the back corner of a dark closet where no one can find me. And maybe, if I stay there long enough, the bad will have passed me by. I have way too many responsibilities to hide, although the thought is mighty tempting.

My mind is spinning over possible solutions to our immediate debt problem. Of course, that only means consolidating the debt and not really getting rid of it (yeah, we didn't win the lotto this weekend). Of course, managing one or two large payments seems easier than managing several smaller payments, but I don't know if that ultimately solves our (my) problems.

Yes, I say my problems, since I am the one with not a budgeting bone in her body. I am the one who "needs" the monthly mani/pedis, hair coloring, latest books (even though I have about 50 unread books in my guest room), cute clothes (hey, do you know I'm in a size 8-10 now??), yoga classes, wine clubs, etc., etc., etc. Don's only vice is taking me out, where I end up giving the dogs 2/3 of my meal because "I don't do leftovers." So we can spend $100 for a meal out, and it really should only cost half that if I stuck with splitting his meal or ordering an appetizer portion. So, yeah, this hole we've dug - mostly my fault.

And that's hard to write. I mean, Don will come back with, "We're a couple, this is our problem," but I have this fear that he does, deep inside blame me. I mean, I do most of the spending - whether on groceries or crap. I don't take him to Target (aka the $100 store) so he can rein me in, as in, "Why do you need to supply $30 worth of candy to your office? (unsaid implications - "When you don't need/can't have the candy anyway?")."

Yes, I should have been more open and honest about our financial situation, but when I really started down the whole dark path to depression last fall, I wasn't thinking about the money. I just wanted to get the bills paid (somewhat) on time, even if that did mean robbing Peter to pay Paul down the road. I don't think I even knew how serious it was (reason number one not to let a depressed person manage most of the finances) until this month. I am kicking myself knowing if I had been even a smidgen aware of what was going on back then, it could have saved us 5 months of this crap.

There are options. It's amazing how many financial institutions want to extend us credit of some sort. It will still mean making some hard decisions, and giving up things that I kind of took as "rights" - 3x a week latte, eating out 2x a week, buying lunch instead of packing it because I was rushed in the morning, pre-made protein shakes, new clothes instead of considering Goodwill or consignment stores, gym membership (especially if I opt to find a second job), etc.

I'd love to keep things mostly status quo, but that isn't going to solve the problem. The good news is I have next week off, and I can focus on a lot of the details of getting something in place ASAP. I am also meeting with my PCP and can discuss a better solution to the depression/anxiety issue than wine and Tylenol PM.

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