My Apologies!

I know I haven't been posting, but I have good reason! My laptop died over the weekend and I ended up having to get a new one. It would have cost $100 less to fix the old one compared to getting a new one, so I opted to upgrade. One of the great things about going through Apple is that they will migrate all your old stuff to the new computer for free, which was great since I hadn't had a chance to back-up my iTunes or iPhotos. They even moved over my favorite bookmarks on the internet!

It's a smaller laptop, and the keyboard is a little different, but I think I can get used to it. I really only use my personal computer for web-surfing, e-mail, blogging and storing my iTunes, so I didn't need anything fancy, although it was tempting to go wild with the new bells and whistles they have, but the price wasn't worth it in the end. I'd rather save my money for a new iPod (hint, hint to those who are reading!).

One of the things I've been thinking about is getting back to my spirituality. I've let that go and relied on old crutches to get me through some tough times, which hasn't had the same results. On this day, October 31, is the Wiccan/Celtic New Year (Samhaim), also known as Halloween. There is a lot out on the Internet to describe the roots of this day, but here is what I have gotten out of it for this year:

We think of the year as a wheel or circle. In every year there is a cycle from light to dark and back to light: of growth, reproduction, dying off, and rebirth again. Any day of the year can be the first day of the rest of your life. And when you come around to the same point a year later, you can see how the intervening cycle of days has changed you, and how you have changed from what you were.

The agricultural implications of Samhain relate to dense matter, or the earthy, physical life/death processes of existence on this plane. But Samhain also has its relationship to our emotional/spiritual well-being, which is usually of greater emphasis to most modern Wiccans. This is a time for ridding ourselves of weaknesses, just as in thinning the herds when the older and weaker animals were slaughtered. Wiccans often bring a parchment to the sacred fire of Samhain on which is written those qualities they consider weaknesses. It is tied with a ribbon of the color of which has a specific meaning for the Witch. During the Samhain ritual the parchment is cast into the flames and the weaknesses burned away, the prayers rising to the Gods with the smoke.

At Samhain we Wiccans assess our spiritual growth. We examine the paths we have tread thus far and look ahead to determine which direction will further our development and unfoldment. This is very personal to each individual Witch, as no two paths, even among Witches, is exactly the same. The ritual generally allows a time of quiet for meditation and contemplation during which we look for direction to the Goddess/God Source and to our own intuitive higher selves.

Since the Veil between the worlds is thin at Samhain, it is also a time when communication between the living and their deceased ancestors becomes possible. This is a private and very emotional part of the Samhain ritual. We can, at this time, say those very important things we neglected to say when our loved ones were still with us. This is a stark lesson to us not to take life for granted, but to truly value those we love. We may re-avow our love to them, and in so doing perhaps ease their passing across the Veil. This is also a time to release any sense of loss, knowing that life is a circle, and that nothing and no one is ever truly lost.

And the Wheel turns, and turns again...

I am looking to this time to see what dead weight I can cut out of my life - internally and externally. What can I do to make myself stronger and better for the upcoming year? I compare it to a rose bush - to make it healthy and have it produce big, strong blooms, you need to prune the bush to the core at times, to make sure you have all the weak and diseased branches gone for the spring (rebirth) flowering. Now is a time for deep introspection and to find what makes one strong and healthy.

This will be a year of seeing things as they ARE not what they WERE. I need a lot of flexibility right now to do my job well, and to adapt to life as a "normal" person. I haven't allowed myself the comfort of just being. I have always tried to be something else - what I thought others wanted me to be.

Now I just AM.

This is me - excited, stressed; happy, sad; up, down; introspective, extroverted; hermit, socialite. I can be all of these, and none of these - all at the same time. I am not going to be your picture of perfection because I am too busy being me - whatever that may be at any time. I can no longer feel like I need to live my life for others - I need to live my life for me.

This is my mantra for moving forward, for a wheel is not a block. It moves continuously, not stopping unencumbered.

I am who I am.

The Joys of Dog & Home Ownership

We have been dealing with a mouse problem here at Casa Seeholzer. We've noticed some mouse poop in a few drawers and behind couches and under the TV, but it really escalated over the last few days. I insisted Don try humane traps, but for some reason, these mice don't go for peanut butter - they like wine corks, rice, insulation and baking mixes. We cleaned out the pantry and drawers on Tuesday, and by Wednesday night there was a fresh round of poo.

In addition, when I went to check the lazy Susan pantry we have, there was a mouse! Ugh! We put the dogs outside while we cleaned out the pantry and drawers. Understand it was 8:30 PM here - dark and wet because of all the rain we've been having. So Don and I were cleaning out the kitchen and discussing a plan of attack on the mice. About 30 minutes later, we had everything cleaned out and went to get the dogs back in. Baja came right away, but Jager just wouldn't come in. She was in a corner of the yard where the deck light doesn't reach so I went out the garage side door to call her in.

Don is getting pissed - we have mice, Baja came in rather muddy and Jager won't come in at all. I'm trying to be the peacemaker and get Jager in through the garage. I am in high heels and know I need to be careful on the wet grass so I step out of the garage carefully, but not carefully enough as I stepped in to a huge hole that Jager had dug! It was about a foot deep and around our in-ground sprinkler housing. So we have mice in the house, a huge hole dug by Jager and, to top it off, she had pulled out some of the sprinkler wires!

We think we have a handle on the mouse situation - Don got some poison which killed at least 4 mice (I helped dispose of the bodies) and two more pellets have been eaten. We have the sprinkler guys coming out to assess the damages and we're hoping it isn't too bad.

Anyway, life otherwise is going along fine. We did an IKEA run for some replacement bookshelves. That place is amazing. I pretty much knew what I wanted but still had to go through the IKEA maze. I can't imagine if Target was laid out in the same way but it works.

Don is in Dallas this weekend for the game and I have a list of To Dos including laundry, cleaning and the like so I plan on hunkering down and watching some football and maybe taking a bath at some point.

A Good Week

I know I haven't been posting as much, or visiting other blogs as regularly, but things seem to be evening out for me. I seem to be dealing with a lot, but I'm finding ways to get through it.

For some reason cooking and baking helps me work through tough times. I made a fresh loaf of bread (Scottish Oat) this afternoon. To my surprise, when I went to slice it, the loaf was G-O-N-E. My only explanation was, while I napped when the bread was cooling, Baja got up on the counter and ate it! I cannot think of anything else. Jager isn't tall enough to do it and there are no "left-overs" to implicate her.

I had great day on Saturday - a bunch of WLS patients gathered in Stillwater for coffee and lunch. We had a great time, and it was nice to meet people from the (Obesity Help) boards.

Don is in Chicago, so I am flying solo today. Off to take a bath and get ready for another crazy week!

Two Year Surgiversary!

So, two years ago today, I was out of WLS and working on my second walk. I had started the day out as a 300+ person and now am a "normal" sized woman. In the two years since I started this journey, I am down (according to my scale) 174 pounds. By my clinic's measurements, I've lost 19 inches off my waist and 21.5 inches off my hips. I've gone from a tight size 26/28 to a size 8/10. My BMI is still not at goal - but now I'm at a 25.5 compared to a 52.8. A "normal" BMI is 25 or lower, but at this point I will take what I have. Granted, my labs didn't come back perfect - my iron is low (single digits) and my thyroid is elevated - guess that's the explanation for my low energy. That can be dealt with via meds, so I'm not that worried.

Bottom line - I weigh less than what I've lost; my blood pressure is normal; I'm eating normal as far as what I can eat. Granted, the portions are much smaller, but not in a bad way. I get to taste anything I want, including sweets.

I am still petrified about keeping my weight in a certain range. I weigh myself more than I should. I am so scared about re-gaining the weight I have lost. I need to get right with my weight range I've set for myself, but I still beat myself up when I vary from my self-imposed range.

I am still lucky that I've had this surgery. I am healthier than I've ever been before. I may gripe about my "excess skin" but I have nothing to complain about. I am not ready to have another body transformation a la plastic surgery. I am still getting used to the body I'm in!

There is a lot to work on, but this surgery has been a success for me. I can't ask for much more. I have some things to work on, but that is just part of the journey.