I haven’t mentioned this before, I think because I don’t really want to face it, but my mom is going in for an angioplasty tomorrow. She called me about 2 weeks ago and casually mentioned that she had been in the hospital for 2 days because of a suspected heart attack. I was taken by surprise because, even at 62, she is an active, healthy woman. Apparently this is mostly due to hereditary more than anything. It’s still a slap in the face. On top of it, the doctors found some major gallstones. The first step is to fix her blocked artery and then have her gallbladder removed.

I was feeling angry because she didn’t call me right away. Her excuse was that she didn’t want to worry me until she knew exactly what was wrong. I can understand that, but it still bugged me she didn’t call right away. I’m a little stressed about it because I am just not ready to be without my mom – or my dad for that matter. As I told Don, “I am not ready to grow up!” Don lost his dad about 10 years ago – 2 years before we met. His dad died suddenly of a heart attack after finishing a round of golf while having a beer. I’m not sure what is worse – knowing one of your parents is going to die after a long illness or having it happen without warning. I know both my parents dealt with sick parents over an extended period of time and it was really draining. I have a good relationship with both my parents, so I wouldn’t need to make peace or anything, I would just want the chance to tell them I love them one last time.

On top of this, my mom told me about our friend, Nancy. Nancy is a little younger than my mom, and we met on my first day of nursery school when Nancy’s daughter, Jackie, and I were in the same class. Jackie and I have remained friends, and our families have been friends ever since. We used to go to Imperial Beach (near the California/Mexican boarder) every summer. Nancy was like a second mother to me. Sadly, their family has been cursed with cancer. One of Nancy’s sisters died of ovarian cancer when I was in my early teens. Her other sister has had a radical mastectomy. Both Nancy and Jackie have had breast cancer. Jackie lost her second child at 3 weeks to SIDS. Nancy is still dealing with her cancer – it has spread to her liver and she is moving from chemotherapy to radiation next week. The outlook isn’t good.

I don’t deal with death well. I never have. It’s not like I am afraid of death. I know that none of us get out of this life alive. I just am not ready for it to happen to people I love. I’m not ready for when it does happen to my loved ones too early.

Over the last few years, I’ve had to face it a few times when I wasn’t ready, and when I knew they wouldn’t have been ready. Shoba, who died in a plane crash; Brian, Jackie’s son, who died of SIDS; Kristi, who died of anorexia and alcoholism at 37; Patricia and 16 other friends who died on 9/11 in the Twin Towers. Life isn’t fair, my friends. And neither is death.

You can’t choose when you are going to die, or how. But you can choose how you are going to live your life. Live it to the fullest – NOW!